Sex toys for the relief of the hysteric woman.

Historically, the wit of human race (you wanted me to say “men” right?) has always provided with artefacts for the satisfaction of needs, including the sexual ones. These articles have been perfected up to out times; delivering humanity jewels such as the porn comic “el libro vaquero” , edible underwear and the sparkly “twilight” themed dildo for the pleasure and joy of its users. In particular circumstances people have served as objects of the same purpose. The use of these objects/people is important in particular for women, given that sexual abstinence (or more specifically orgasm insufficiency) derives in the condition of “hysteria”.

Since times as remote as Ancient Greece, the first “olisbos” or dildos are known, confectioned out of rustic material such as stone, wood and animal leather (mmm nothing like a beast’s hide inside). In Greece, there was no such distinction for a sexual preference (well, everyone did everybody) so the use of “olisbos” was pretty common for both men and women. By conquering Greece, the Romans adopted and perfected their version of greek culture deriving into the double-headed dildo, graphic pornography, early sado-masochism (sometimes involuntary) and the biggest orgies that no porn film has ever been able to replicate (CALIGULA of 1979, was a nice attempt, I recommend it to anyone interested on the subject). To contextualize, in roman culture:

· Adultery was permitted among men (“permitted” as an euphemism)

·  Virginity was a desired quality for a bride-to be.

· Among properties of men there were wife, concubines and slaves (with identical general purpose and different specific purpose)

· Women were not allowed to inherit their husband’s goods ( the redundancy of a possession with possessions)

Due to the extension and power of the Roman Empire, all of the cultures we now a days refer to as “occidental” inherited many of their practices. Unfortunatelly many traditions well worth keeping were lost. Like orgies, which would be re-discovered in the 60’s and labelled as a novelty. While others worth discarding were kept, such as the utopia of finding a woman with a virgin’s record but a whore’s experience. Ironically this lead women to develop amazing acting dexterity.

The female sexual dissatisfaction, as any neglect to a basic need would bring physiological ailment. In the Victorian era the suffering once identified would receive the name of “hysteria” from the Latin for “suffering uterus”. The symptoms include bad mood, headache, deliberate provocation of conflictive situations, an unbearable character and the constant passive-aggressive attitude (excepting the case of nuns, in which’s case refers to a frequent type of personality).

Soon enough the medical community found itself in the unfortunate situation of applying hand treatment to the female genital area or prescribing dildos to their “hysterical” female patients.

From the XX century to our times everything has changed considerably. Partly because the growing interest in sexual liberation and political ideals gave birth to the feminist movement. And partly because once men overcame the initial bewilderment this event provoked, they realized it resulted very convenient. Dildos are now of more hygienic materials, modernity welcomes the vibrator, youporn has made obsolete Marquis de Sade’s literature and rule 34 (don’t ask me what regulation it belongs to) states that if something exists there is porn of it. The right of both men and women to be treated as a sexual object is a satisfying resolution for both parties.

There are so many objects to make a woman reach an orgasm: household solutions (vegetables mainly), dildos, vibrators or any eager volunteer in a wide variety of textures, shapes, sizes and colours that overpowers the eternal irrationality and contradiction of female desire. Thus you could consider that “Hysteria” could be considered a disease of the past.

But I, I do not have Hysteria. I wish it were Hysteria! It’s a similar disease often misdiagnosed. It shares the fact of having an incredible arousal and a permanently wet vagina as a scream of attention. This damned fever has the peculiarities of:

· Inhibition of attention span

·  Inability to discern between reality &fiction

·  Unfitness to manual or device assisted self-satisfaction

· Constant search of male company

· Repulsion towards the said male company

All this results in relief never arriving. I consider prozac as an alternative. I am in love, like madly in love. There is ONLY ONE man I DESIRE to be touched by. Only he can cure me, and he ignores me…


Illustrations taken of Milo Manara's Kamasutra.